CHOPPER READ
He won't do the weather, host a bingo contest, teach you how to drive or do the Heimlich Manoeuvre, though he may tell you at some point to 'harden the fuck up'. This is Mark 'Chopper' Read. THE Chopper Read, not a comedian portraying the real thing on TV. Accept no imitations.
By Steve Muller
It's not often you get asked to interview one of the most notorious criminals in Australia, so you have to understand I was a little cautious. Brief thoughts of getting life insurance and updating my last will and testament aside, I realised I'd be an idiot if I didn't do it. What harm could he do over the phone? Sure, I may lose an ear, but it would be worth it. Even the broken ribs I sustained the day before weren't going to stop me from asking 'Uncle Chop-Chop' about his upcoming tour, which gives a candid and comical insight into the ugly underbelly of Australia.
Speaking from his Collingwood home, Chopper isn't too chatty to begin with. It takes a bit to get him responding with more than three words, but it's not long before subjects are touched on where he doesn't hold back. A question about how this solo show differs to the previous tour with Mark 'Jacko' Jackson of 'Get Energizer, OY!' fame elicits an unexpected response from Chopper. "This one is more personal, and I talk about stuff I haven't talked about before," Chopper says. "It's a pity about Jacko though, I thought he was my friend and I caught him stealing money off me," he adds. Who would be stupid enough to steal from a guy who lost several feet of bowel and intestine in a prison attack and walked away from it? "He was stealing the door money, taking a couple of grand every night. When I confronted him he just hung his head, so we don't speak anymore," he laments.
Mixing dark comedy and graphic tales of his sordid history, Chopper will enthral audiences for two-and-a-half hours with his exploits and views of the modern world. "Then comes question time, and that's pretty interesting," he sniggers. "If you want to see the real thing and not some bloody imitation, come and see me. If you want to see Chopper Read, you want to see the one with no ears, not the one with them."
While Chopper is doing his 'Dark Stand Up Comedy Tour', Heath Franklin (from 'The Ronnie Johns Half Hour') is playing his own shows portraying the notorious cult 'outlaw' figure, and Chopper isn't happy about it. "He's a fucking turd!" he yells. "I met him and I said to him, 'Look, as long as you stay on TV you're not bothering me. But once you come off TV and start selling tickets to shows, you know in pubs and clubs and stuff, you're cutting my throat'," he says. "But he says 'No, I'm not going to do pubs and clubs', so because he's touring theatres he reckons he's not cutting my throat." I ask tentatively if the producers have ever extended an invitation to be a guest on the TV show. "No, they don't want me anywhere near them," he laughs. "I'd only go on to break his jaw."
Tuesday May 20 at Bar 240V, Mooloolaba and Thursday May 22 at Bar 388, Fortitude Valley. |
